Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Storm Tropical Storm
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Natural selection at its finest
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.