What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.