“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?