I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat