[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.