@SamDelanche

Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.

@SamDelanche

Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.

@SamDelanche

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@SamDelanche

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

@SamDeLanche

We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

@SamDeLanche

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

@SamDeLanche

7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.