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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
man: wait
time: no
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I like crazy people until they notice me
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Bread puns are on the rise!
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”