Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.