HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.