What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*