Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
No laws when master is gone
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: