Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser