Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Do not steal food from the science building!
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret