*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
grotesque if literal: baby food
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.