– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?
– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!
I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.
I wanted ice cream.
Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.
Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*
“Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.