My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
This came to me in a dream.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.