@SamuelHLowe

– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?

@SamuelHLowe

– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!

@SamuelHLowe

I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.

@SamuelHLowe

She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@SamuelHLowe

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

@SamuelHLowe

*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*

@SamuelHLowe

“Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.

@SamuelHLowe

If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.