People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes