Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.