That’s fair
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Challenge accepted.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
mumsnet is amazing
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.