A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Catering service
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.