“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Saturday
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
dictator is short for richard potato
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Siri: Retweet me.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe