Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️