People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”