I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: Finally a day I can sleep in
Birds: We’ll see about that lol
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.