@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@SardonicTart

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*