Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”