@SardonicTart

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@SardonicTart

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

@SardonicTart

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

@SardonicTart

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*