I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*