Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.