Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.