TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?