cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
You Might Also Like
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
This is the best one I’ve seen
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
yall want some gasoline milk
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
#FunnyLife Insects
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect