So, can we agree on 4 or
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
notice
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.