My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
this… may be the greatest story ever told
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.