When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
based al yankovic
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The only equipped I am is ill.