Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.