Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
how it started vs how it ended
Monday Lisa
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.