My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas