“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
You Might Also Like
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
#CatsOnTwitter
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum