One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!