*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?