(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.