Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.