*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”