dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
You Might Also Like
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.