FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice