Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.