Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.