You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Can Happiness buy money?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad