I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day