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Page of Shade510's best tweets

@Shade510 : Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things...tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble...You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

@Shade510: Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

@Shade510: In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

@Shade510: Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

@Shade510: Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

@Shade510: * breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So...what are you doing...after they...revive me?”

@Shade510: Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator's batteries
for my remote control

@Shade510: Hey Canada...you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

@Shade510: I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

@Shade510: Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.