I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.