[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him
Friend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.