Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.


IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….


Me: Wow…How did you know?



(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.


Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.



Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?



(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.


Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.


My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.


(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?


The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.


(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok