She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.
I wanted to call her on it.
…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.