@Shade510

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

@Shade510

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

@Shade510

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

@Shade510

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

@Shade510

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

@Shade510

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

@Shade510

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

@Shade510

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

@Shade510

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

@Shade510

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.