@Shade510

She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.

I wanted to call her on it.

…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@Shade510

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@Shade510

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

@Shade510

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

@Shade510

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@Shade510

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.