Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
Me: Wow…How did you know?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok