Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.