@Shade510

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@Shade510

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@Shade510

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

@Shade510

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

@Shade510

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

@Shade510

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

@Shade510

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.