My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.