Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec